Hallowe'en

Boo

The Third D

You'll need 3-D Glasses to discover what's in this 3-D image.


Is it a Gregorian monastery up on a clifftop with a herd of cows meandering through the valley below and a busty milkmaid with a cheeky smile?

For Sale

For Sale. Massive secluded mansion house boasting:

- A spacious Hall, with hanging chandelier (currently awaiting a new rope).
- A poky Study.
- A Lounge.
- A large Dining Room, beautifully lit by one of a pair of candlesticks.
- A Kitchen with a beautiful selection of knives (one missing).
- A Library.
- A Billiard Room, sadly the table isn't working, needs the right size spanner.
- A Conservatory featuring a complex plant irrigation system of lead piping (with one section missing).
- A weirdly shaped revolverless Ballroom.
- Two secret passages.

It is unclear if there is anything upstairs.



Why won't this palace sell?

The Twits

Mister Carruthers Presents now twitters and witters about the jitters of bitter critter hitters, fitter knitters and pitta litterers.

I Drew A Frog

It's green.

Net

What a catch.

Bee Ess Ell: Z

British Sign Language. Give me a Z.


Although to the rest of us it looks like:

"Strike a pose, there's nothing to it."

1300

If 13 is unlucky, is 1300 a hundred times more unlucky?


Mr Carruthers has 1300 friends on Facebook. Be unlucky with us.

Bee Ess Ell: Y

British Sign Language. Give me a Y.


Although to the rest of us it looks like:

"I wish my finger was a pool cue."

One More Can't Hurt

You are what you eat.

Bee Ess Ell: X

British Sign Language. Give me an X.


Although to the rest of us it looks like:

"Stay back Vampire."

ASCII

That the chiffing flip was this.

Bee Ess Ell: W

British Sign Language. Give me a W.


Although to the rest of us it looks like:

"Here's the church, and here's the steeple, look inside and here's all the people."

Ask Ye?

What the chiffing flip is this?



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Bee Ess Ell: V

British Sign Language. Give me a V.


Although to the rest of us it looks like:

"This isn't a peace sign"

White Dog

Romain Gary wrote a book about a Chien. A blanc chien.



Samuel Fuller made it into a film about a dog. A white dog.

It concerns a dog trained by a white supremacist to attack black people on sight. It featured Burt Ives as a dog trainer called Carruthers, who considers the dog to be beyond redemption and wants it killed.


Is our Carruthers into dog slaying? Could you kill a Klan Chien?

Bee Ess Ell: U

British Sign Language. Give me a U.


Although to the rest of us it looks like:

"This looks a bit like 'Live long and prosper'"

Keith

We are now approaching our final station stop. Please ensure that you take all your belongings when leaving the train. Please do not leave any items unattended on the station.

I would like to thank you for travelling with us today and I hope you have a pleasant onward journey. I, on the other hand, have to go all the way back to the start of our journey. So spare a thought for me as you climb into bed tonight, I will still be miles from home. Bastards.

This train terminates here.

Bee Ess Ell: T

British Sign Language. Give me a T.


Although to the rest of us it looks like:

"I thought this was L"

Keithinham

The next station is Keithinham. We apologise for the late running of this train, this is due to (insert reason) at (insert location).

Please mind your step as you leave the train.

Bee Ess Ell: S

British Sign Language. Give me an S.


Although to the rest of us it looks like:

"Pinky"

Gullible

This train will soon be arriving at Gullible.

This station has a short platform, if you want to leave the train here please make sure you are in one or all of the first four carriages.

Gullible is our next station stop.

Bee Ess Ell: R

British Sign Language. Give me an R.


Although to the rest of us it looks like:

"Tickle me here"

Little Keithshampton

This train will shortly be arriving at Little Keithshampton, our next station stop.

Change here for connecting services to Prestatyn.

Bee Ess Ell: Q

British Sign Language. Give me a Q.


Although to the rest of us it looks like:

"Simply insert the penis into the..."

Whatanob

Good morning/afternoon/evening. This is your guard (name optional) and I would like to welcome you onboard today's service to Keith.

Please take time to familiarise yourself with the safety information on board. Now.

Bee Ess Ell: P

British Sign Language. Give me a P.


Although to the rest of us it looks like:

"Pinch my finger."

Phill Your Boots

As evidenced by his recent twitterings, self confessed 'TV desk show whore' Phill Jupitus has seen the Rehearsals and the Laughter Sketch.


He had this to say of them:

"Both sterling but I loved the 'actors one' To be frank the laughter sketch would be just as funny half as long."

Thanks Phill.

Bee Ess Ell: O

British Sign Language. Give me an O.


Although to the rest of us it looks like:

"This little piggy went to market."

Ock Toe Brr the Second

It's October. It's a Friday. It's not 1814.

In 1814, a British smartarse named Captain Philip Pipon informed Thursday October Christian that the mutineers of the Bounty had crossed the international date line heading due east and had neglected to amend their calendar meaning the day of Thursday's birth was actually a Friday. Apparently Pipon refused to refer to Thursday as anything other than Friday.

Makes you wonder if his father hadn't been right all along.


Spare a thought for Thursday October Christian and his incorrectly-calculated name on Fridays in October. This year that's five more thoughts. You've still got time.

Ock Toe Brr

It's October. It's a Thursday. It's not 1790.

On a Thursday in October in 1790, a son was born to Fletcher Christian, the leader of the mutiny on the Bounty, by then settled on the Pitcairn Islands.

Looking around for a name on a Thursday in October, he decided to name his firstborn Thursday October Christian because he wanted his son to have "no name that will remind me of England".

Spare a thought for Thursday October Christian and his foreign sounding name on Thursdays in October. This year that's five thoughts. You've got time.

P.S. It's Mr Carruthers' birthday. Possibly.