Sunday, 31 August 2008

Wavecrave

If someone waves at you, it'd be rude not to wave back.

Go on. No-one's looking. Give him a wave.

Suit yourself.

Friday, 29 August 2008

How far will you go?

That little voice in your head telling you what to do is getting louder. Would you jump off a cliff if it told you to? Would you sell your liver to terrorists? Would you sever your big toe with a tightly wound elastic band?

The gentleman in this photo popped out for a pint of semi-skimmed and somehow came back ablaze. Afterwards he just kept saying "that voice, that voice"
He also forgot to buy the milk.

Thursday, 28 August 2008

The next hundred...

This is your blog.

Well not literally of course, but what would you do with it if it were? We want you to feel you can get involved send us your thoughts, dreams, advice, and photos.

Have you seen Mr Carruthers?
Do you have a theory about his wherabouts?
Have you seen Mr Carruthers Presents?
Do you have a theory about them?
Do you have a question for them?

Get @ us here:

Wednesday, 27 August 2008

Centennial

One hundred posts. Who'd have thought it?


Posts with videos - 5

Posts with photos - 83

Posts with swearing - 2

Posts with tags - 85

Posts accidentally posted twice - 3

Posts technically illegal on the Isles of Scilly - 1

Potentially post related deaths - 12

Airtight alibis - 12

Most common tag - Peel This

Most commonly used words (in reverse order) - of, at, and, popocat├ępetl & the
Here's to the next hundred...

Tuesday, 26 August 2008

Wanted

It appears that the mystery of Mister Carruthers has deepened somewhat as this artifact from the wild west town of Bozeman, Montana in the United States of Americans reveals.

This Wanted poster would appear to show Mr Carruthers to have been an outlaw in tham thar parts, but this poster is from 1882. Some thirty-one years before the records show that he was even born. What are the possibilities?

A faked poster?
An identical double with an identical moustache?
A time traveller?
A bit of voodoo in between the toes?

The fact remains that the price on his head was $5000 and it was never collected. Should our search for Mr Carruthers ever be successful, we can claim it and it amongst ourselves. For your opportunity to join this investment opportunity, get in touch. This is not a pyramid scheme. This is not a pyramid. In real terms and taking into account 126 years of interest then the figure resting on the wanted man's brow must have now reached:

n<$5000

For your chunk of $n. Keep 'em peeled and stay in touch. The value of fictional bounties may go down as well as up.

Monday, 25 August 2008

Science lesson

I don't know why the drugs do what they do to those that do
But I reckon that blue bit is probably to blame.

Sunday, 24 August 2008

Attention Mime Fans

Mime fans are eagerly awaiting the outcome of the pitched battle between mime titans Houndbag and Meanowwwwwww.

And they will go on waiting.

Both contestants appear to be miming their absence. Impressively it has to be said, but there'll be no contest for the spectators today. We are miming an investigation into why.

Saturday, 23 August 2008

Trying in vein...

...to find that high?

Can we suggest a hobby to take your mind off it? How about knitting? Or woodwork? Or open-caste mining?

Friday, 22 August 2008

Broadmarsh Close

Three bedroom semi-detached family home with planning permission for a large conservatory and until it's built a good sized rear garden. Far reaching views over roof tops.

Reception Room
Kitchen/Breakfast Room
Family Bathroom
Garage
Front Garden
Rear Garden

Available Augustish. Cheaper Every Day.

Thursday, 21 August 2008

Red Alert

Emergency! Emergency! There's an emergency going on. It's still going on. Until it's cessation I want you to be aware that there is an emergency going on. Be at a state of readiness. Like in a race when someone says "Ready, Steady, Go". Be that sort of ready. While I'm thinking about it, why do they say steady? Steadiness is probably not going to aid in speediness. Now I've forgotten what I was saying. Let's hope it wasn't something important. Let me think. No completely gone. Sorry. Maybe it wasn't important. Sorry to have troubled you. Sorry. Bye.

Wednesday, 20 August 2008

Satellitic culprit

Here it is lurking above our heads,the satellite that is responsible for the spreading of the SatNav invasion.

Isn't she lovely? Doesn't she just make you want to do exactly as your told? If the answer is yes, then please just go on with doing what you are told.

If not, someone will be with you shortly...

Tuesday, 19 August 2008

Anagrammatics

arch ruster

car hurters

curter rash

earths curr

her rut scar

racer hurts

ruts her arc

truer crash

art crusher

carer hurts

err thru sac

recur harts

carruthers

Monday, 18 August 2008

Hand job

A man walks into a cafe and sees a sign up that reads:

Ham sandwiches £1:75
Hand jobs £1.76

He checks his wallet, he has enough. He walks up to the counter and is greeted by a beautiful young girl.

Him: "Are you the one that does the hand jobs?"
Her: "Yes"
Him: "Well, wash your hands before you make my ham sandwich"

Sunday, 17 August 2008

Get Well Soon

I prescribe rest because it's hard for someone impersonating a medical professional to go wrong with that.

And Vitamin C.

Friday, 15 August 2008

Magic, magic hands

The Sat Nav spell continues to pass from hand to hand, person to person, country to country, suppository to suppository.
Now wash yours.

Thursday, 14 August 2008

Heatwave

It's going to be hot out out there, I've consulted the seaweed and strained my stool sample for ball bearings, and I've predicted that today will be a hot one.

Go forth and rehydrate.

Wednesday, 13 August 2008

Osteology by numbers

Your 1 bone connected to your 8 bone
Your 8 bone connected to your 25 bone
Your 25 bone connected to your 14 bone
Your 14 bone connected to your 15 bone
Your 15 bone connected to your 18 bone
Your 18 bone connected to your 19 bone
Your 19 bone connected to your 20 bone
Your 20 bone connected to your as yet unnumbered bone
Your as yet unnumbered bone connected to your other unnumbered bone
Your other unnumbered bone connected to yet another unnumbered bone
Now hear the word of the Lord
Now hear the word of the Lord.

The word is:

Innumeracy

Tuesday, 12 August 2008

Be safe, be seen

When times are hard and money is tight, have you considered selling your body?

Sure the money is good and the parties are great, but what of the greater cost to your soul?

No, I didn't think that would dissuade you. Well if you can't be sensible, be safe. Use protection and stock up on what are known in the trade as 'business socks'.

And if you can't be safe, be seen. Some of us like to watch.

Sunday, 10 August 2008

PCP?

Computers say No to drugs.

And so should you.

Tandy & Radioshack combined their phenomenal power to bring us what looks like the most boring comic book in the history of well meaning tax-deductable initiatives. Amazingly they managed to call it Whiz Kids, hopefully by accident.

Nicknames for Speed aside, the computers that said No to drugs...on a boat?

Friday, 8 August 2008

8

On the eighth day of the eighth month of the eighth year of the twenty-first century, an eighth son of an eighth son of an eighth son was born, on the eighth floor of a building eight miles from you. He is given eight presents, all of them jigsaw puzzles and all with eight pieces missing. When he is eight years old, he will walk eight miles a day, eight days a week and pick eight apples from a tree. He juggles the apples for eight minutes without dropping any.

What was the name of the song performed by the Finnish entry in the 1975 Eurovision Song Contest?

(answer in eight days)

Thursday, 7 August 2008

Time for T

He pities the fool. He doesn't like to fly. That's why they called him Bad Altitude Baracus.

Think what we can learn from him.

Tuesday, 5 August 2008

Rupert Facemelter: A Life In Mime

Rupert Facemelter

Born into one of England's oldest families, the well respected Facemelters of Esher, he is the youngest of four children and easily the least impressive of them. Educated at Eton to the age of 33, he was invalided out of the British Army with toenail rust.

He then took the cloth but was defrocked following an incident involving pre-swilled communion wine. Upon his return to the loving arms of his family he was passed over for the family business, instead his family adopt a four year old Romanian orphan and gave him sole control.

Despite no previous experience, Rupert was offered a job as a commentator on the BBC's coverage of the mime events for Grandstand. Despite a case of fishmumps during the silent auction, he garnered quite a following among women aged 38 to 52 & 64. He remained a feature of mime on television and radio for over forty years, outlasting six co-presenters and a parrot.

As mime has declined so has his celebrity, except for an altercation last year with Gloria Hunniford and a sauna, he is currently helping the police with their enquiries, has unfortunately had his passport seized and cannot leave the country.

Bulgaria's White Glove 2008 will be the first mime event held in his absence in 42 years.

Monday, 4 August 2008

Expand your mind

Not literally of course, because there's a limit to what experimental cranial surgery can do before you find yourself bumping your head on doorways and waking up next to prostitutes.

How about drugs, what could possibly be wrong with them?

Answers on a brainwave as I take the escalator up to the cloud shaped like a pineapple and sit on his chin. My hands are so heavy, they feel like they might fall on.

Sunday, 3 August 2008

Samuel P. Hasselblad: Transatlantic Mime

Samuel P. Hasselblad is from a part of the United States of A where Idaho is a boast and not just a state. He is in actual fact from the state in the union with the highest rate of deer-related pluracy.

Sportscaster extraordinaire, never seen without his distinctive baseball cap, he drifted from network to network to sex scandal and back again, before taking the only known vow of silence, that was over twice before it began.

He has invested most of his mime millions in the purchase of Native American burial ground and now owns the world's most controversial car parks in the world. Legal costs and necromancy lead him to Great Britain where he was paired with Rupert Facemelter, who he described as "that mime limey", following the unexplained death of his co-presenter Michelle Bittenclick.

Noted for his verbose style of mime commentary, his pairing with Facemelter was once critiqued by mime god Marcel Marceau with a gloriously complex shrug. However Hasselblad will be presenting the upcoming White Glove 2008 in sunny Bulgaria alone, as Facemelter is unable to leave the country. Could this be the end of a beautiful friendship?

Saturday, 2 August 2008

Filicide for breakfast

Parental cannibalism is a terrible thing, but if you absolutely have to do it, at least keep the noise down.

And try and keep the meal down too.

Friday, 1 August 2008

Lucien Meanowwwwwww: Mime Britannia

Lucien Meanowwwwwww

Lucien is Chichester's answer to the silent call for mime. His potential was spotted whilst he was at school by commentator Rupert Facemelter in uncertain circumstances, it's been a long time since mime was taught in schools.

What can young Meanowwwwwww have done to excite Facemelter so much?

His career has gone from strength to strength and he is now ranked number 1 in Britain and will soon take on the American Norris Houndbag at White Glove 2008 in the Bulgarian city of Plovdiv, but who will be victorious?