Trick/Treat

Congratulations all fellows it's all hallow's eve.

Go forth, trick, treat and try on a silly hat.

Be careful out there. The streets are awash with witches, vampires and demons. Someday a real rain will come and wash all this scum off the streets. That day is November the first.

By 'eck

Correction:

By 'eck(s)

Situation Cumedy

Porn, porn, porn.
Blah, blah, blah.

Dubya

We got here just in time. The man who puts the riot in patriot is leaving us. With only a week to go it's time to celebrate the achievements of the 43rd President of the United States of America.


Anything?


He had eight long years, there must be something.















I like his tie. A bit.

Sit on it

More filth from the sitcom porn annals:

That's annals with two N's.

What a disgusting world we live in.

Vee

Count to two.

Dying can't be that bad, everybody's doing it

Tom Baker once said "I like the dead, they're so uncritical." The living on the other hand...

Forty-one votes and counting.

You

Who?

Pelt

Wipe your feet.

Tea

1) Boil the kettle and pour the water into a teapot.
2) Swirl the water around the pot to warm it and then pour it out.
3) Add loose tea leaves to the pot while you reboil the kettle.
4) Add water to the pot and allow it to brew for several minutes while you place a tea cosy on the pot to keep it warm.
5) Place a tea strainer over the top of the cup and pour the tea in.
6) Guests are invited to add milk and sugar to their individual tastes, unless they are female in which case they are only permitted one sugar lump. Any more would be vulgar.
7) The teapot ought to be large enough to contain enough tea so as to fill the cup of every guest without emptying. If this is the case, the tea cosy is replaced after everyone has been served. If not, get a bigger teapot for your tea guzzling friends.

Alternatively just use a fucking bag. Then a tea bag.

Peeled

It's done. Naked now.
What do you do for an encore?

Esses

S.

Peel

Peel these: Did you know that Orange is one of the only words in the English language that rhymes with lightbulb?

Aaarrrrggggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, that should be:

Arrr!

Sesquicentennial

Is what I should have called yesterday's post. Maybe I'm just showing off that I know a posh word for the one-hundred-and-fiftieth of something, such as:

150 Posts!

That's exactly twice as many as 75 and almost as many as 151.

Q

Did you know that the only word in the English language that I can think of with five, count 'em, consecutive vowels is:

Queueing.

Video Ga Ga

Some more reactions to A Writer's Meeting on Funny Or Die:

"hah..you guys are awesome...when's the next part?"

"Been on Mr Carruthers. I tried. They tried. Bless them.I'm sure they will be brilliant, if they came out of the kitchen."

"Great work guys! Would love to see more from you!"

"Er, yes-I suppose the 'trying' in "trying to be funny" is the operative word there.I have to say I don't think they'll be the next Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant, or Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, but I suppose it's a valiant stab at comedy (though I do feel that this is just someone taping random conversations between three men on a Saturday afternoon).And what's with the cling-film tablecloth, and man in a monkey mask?"

"This is just great guys, a joy from start to finish! Loving the other vids as well, hope to see parts 1 and 3 up here soon!"

Pea

Piss.

Video nasties

Some more reactions to the videos on Funny Or Die:

"ok...i watched it and i gotta tell you, it didn't exactly grab me....it's just full of cheap shots like "her majesty's secret cervix"??!...the whole thing is about sex!!..............men......i just pressed the die button lol"

"Everybody Rapes Chris was funny. I like how the camera doesn't change shots. It was appropriate for this. I liked it."

"I don't know what to say... it's not my cup of tea?
All that porn talk...
Men nowadays, eh?
I hope I watched the right one..."

"grrrrrreatttttt!!!! Wanna see more and more..."

"oooh i feel so much better after pressing the "die" button!....the whole thing is aimed at men....i think they're the only ones who will find it funny...."

"you guys are sick!!...I love it!!"

Oh?

Oh. Oh. Oh.

400

Mister Carruthers is a facebooker. He has at the time of going to press a total of 399 friends. Shall we neaten that up? Someone out there could be Carruthers' 400th friend. The gift of friendship can be yours if you become friends with Mr Carruthers.

Poke his face in.

En

Nah

Honesty is the best policy

Spot the difference.

Mmm

Eminem

Top Shelf

I don't think the sign is meant to indicate that men are interested in shelving.

People say publications like these degrade women, but you can only degrade woman after you have graded them. Magazines like this help grade women and to be fair most of them are out of your league.

Elle

I.

Is that a capital I or a lower case l or a number I?

From: THE CELL OF DR.MRS.MARIAM ABACHA

Well we've had some time to think about DR.MRS.MARIAM ABACHA's letter. We haven't decided yet, but to differentiate the discussion the original email is written in this font, while our thoughts thus far use this far prettier font:

From: THE DESK OF DR.MRS.MARIAM ABACHA.
ATTENTION:

Good day and compliments.

Good day to you too and thanks. Have you lost weight?

This letter will definitely
come to you as a huge surprise but I implore you to
take the time to go through it carefully as the
decision you make will go off a long way to determine
the future and continued existence of the entire members of my Family.

Yes that was definitely a surprise, but the continued existence of your Family is suddenly very important to us.

Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Dr.(Mrs) HAJIA Abacha,
the wife of the late Head of State and Commander- in- Chief of the Armed
Forces of
the Federal Repulic of Nigeria, Gen. Sanni Abacha,whom died of heart attack.

I'm sorry to hear about your husband, but wasn't your name Mariam a moment ago? I don't want to quibble but this seems important so details could well be important.

My ordeal started immediately after my husband's death
and the subsequent take over of government by the last
administration.

Wow, sounds like you took his death, really really well. If regime change is more important to you then maybe you are over-prioritising politics.

The present democratic government is
determined to portray all the good works of my late
husband in a bad light and have gone as far as
confiscating all my late husband's assets, properties,
freezen our accounts both within and outside Nigeria.

Bastard Democrats. Bloody Free Will. Maybe your late husband's assets etc. deserve freezening?

I am writing this letter to you, my son Christoph
Abacha is undergoing questioning with the government.

I hope he's OK.

All these measures taking by the past/present
government is just to gain international recognition.
Me and the entire members of my family have been held
incommunicado since the death of my husband,

So how do you know about Christoph? Maybe he's out there living it up in the newly Democratic Nigeria? He could be voting his face off as we type.

hence I
seek your indulgence to assist us in securing some
funds. We are not allowed to see or discuss with
anybody. Few occassions I have tried travelling abroad
through alternative means, all failed.

Don't worry I sometimes Occasions wrong and I often put to many m's in tomorrow, but between you and me, I don't think you need a holiday, I think you need a lawyer.

My late husband has FORTY million US DOLLARS
($40,000,000.00) specially preserved and well packed
in trunk boxes of which only my husband and I knew
about it.

Wow. Are you sure Christoph doesn't have it?

These packages are been deposited with a
security company without anybody knowing the contents
of the packages, because it was declared as photo
materials and other personal effects.It is packed in
such a way to forestall just anybody having access to
it.

Schmucks. I bet Christoph is kicking himself now.

It is this sum that I seek your assistance to get
out of Nigeria as soon as possible before the present
civilian regime finds out about it and confiscate it
just the way they have done to all our assests.

So you can't get out of Nigeria, but you want to make sure that your money can?

On your consent, e-mail via the under listed contact
immediately for further discussions and clarification.
Bearing in mind that you may assist me, I have decided
to part with 15% of the total sum.Your URGENT response is highly Needed.

You want to give me six million dollars?

Yes, there is a need for us to see before the transferbut the reason why i needed the account is to get theapprovalof the paymentso that we can be 100% sure ofthe payment before our meeting.

What meeting?

I received the account but the Address of the bank isnotthere

I haven't sent you anything.

so send the address of the or state asfollows,
A/c number.
Beneficiary name
Bank name.
Bank address.
Your postal address.

I wait the complete account informations.

I'll let you wait for a bit. I need to think about this.

All corespondence must be forwarded to my Family confidant and
representative Mr.CARRUTHERS on his e-mail address:
(mister.carruthers@hotmail.co.uk)for security and confidential reasons.

He gets around.

May God show you mercy as you do so,

Show me mercy? I haven't done anything wrong, have I? Why do I need his mercy? Are you trying to get me in trouble?

Yours Truly,

That's a relief, I was worried for a while there.

Dr.(Mrs) MARIAM Abacha.

Well this all looks above board and I look forward to relinquish my precious details. Wait, wasn't your name Hajia a moment ago?

Kay

Not so special.

Funny/Die*

* delete as appropriate.


Will Ferrell & Adam McKay's Funny Or Die website has expanded and now has a UK wing. They approached us about including our videos on the site and we were very happy to Mr Carruther's Present Mr Carruther's Presents on another front.

The site gives you the opportunity to vote on each video and decide whether it is funny...or deserves death.

If you haven’t seen our videos yet: here they are.

If you have seen our videos already: here they are anyway.

And there you have it, our fate is in your hands...your beautiful, beautiful hands...

Jay...

...yoint

Happy Birthday Mr Carruthers

Wherever he may be, today is Mr Carruthers' ninetieth birthday.

Unless of course it's not. He's a dark horse, isn't he? A dark horse with a moustache.

Many happy returns, Mr Carruthers. Well, ninety of them at least.