Coughs and sleazes spread diseases

But I'm sure she means well.

Norris Houndbag: Fighting Mime

Norris Houndbag Jnr Snr

Born in the USA he has inspired a generation of mimes to pull themselves up, dust themselves off and paint themselves silly.

His story of mimed robberies and mimed murders in gangland Rackville, lead him to a mimed spell in mime prison. Upon his mimed release he was thrown straight back into Dodgetown, USA's mire of rats and cats and bats.

Miming his way through this gnatless existence he mimed one dead end job after another. Eventually his mimed persistence paid off and he got a chance to mime for real.

He and his mime nemesis Lucien Meanowwwwwww, the Number 1 UK entrant, will next meet at White Glove 2008, held in Bulgaria. It's sure to be a tense struggle.

Seventeen heads are better than one

Be honest, at the moment these vacant plastic vessels are freaking you out just a little, while they are not remotely scared of you, therefore seventeen really is better than your one.

Case closed.

That really is it now. That chapter of our lives is over, barring the existence of a picture of a beast with eighteen heads...

The Glorious Golden Mime Statuette

This is the fruit of the silent labours of entrants to the International Bi-Annual Anglo American Mime Contest. Only one of our muted heroes can lay claim to this.

Imagine that on your mantlepiece, well that's as close as you'll ever get to it. You will never get the chance to clean this dustcatching eyesore.

Never ever.

Eight heads are better than one

This blurry drunken hydra brings an end to our tour of many-headed misanthropes. Or does it?

Yes. It does.

Or rather it will and it has.

Binary

001110010001111111001011011101111011111011111101111111011111111011111111101111111111010010000101010110101101010101101010101011110101000010101111010001010110101010101010111010111101101011110101010101111111010100000110010111100110000111110101101101010110101101011010101011010101101010110101010110101101011010010001101010111010101101010110101001110110101010101111010001010110111100101010101010101010111011010101011101010101100101010101010101101010101011101011011111001011010101010100010001011111010101010111101011010110110101011010110100111001001111111001011011101111011111011111101111111011111111011111111101111111111010010000101010110101101010101101010101011110101000101010111101000101011010101010101011101011110110101111010101010111111101010000011001011110011000101111101011011010101101011010110101010110101011010101101010101101011010110100100011010101110101011010101101010011110101010101111010001010110111100101010101010101010111011010101011101010101100101010101010101101010101011101011011111001011010101010100010001011111010101010111101011010110110101011010110100111001001111111001011011101111011111011111101111111011111111011111111101111111111010010000101010110101101010101101010101011110101000010101111010001010110101010101010111010111101101011110101010101111111010100000110010111100110000011111010110110101011010110101101010101101010110101011010101011010110101101001000110101011101010110101011010100111101010101011110100010101101111001010101010101010101110110101010111010101011001010101010101011010101010111010110111110010110101010101000100010111110101010101111010110101101101010110101101001110010011111110010110111011110111110111111011111110111111110111111111011111111110100100001010101101011010101011010101010111101010000101011110100010101101010101010101110101111011010111101010101011111110101000001100101111001100010111110101101101010110101101011010101011010101101010110101010110101101011010010001101010111010101101010110101001111010101010111101000101011011110010101010101010101011101101010101110101010110010101010101010110101010101110101101111100101101010101010001000101111101010101011110101101011011010101101011010011100100111111100101101110111101111101111110111111101111111101111111110111111111101001000010101011010110101010110101010101111010100001010111101000101011010101010101011101011110110101111010101010111111101010000011001011110011000001111101011011010101101011010110101010110101011010101101010101101011010110100100011010101110101011010101101010011110101010101111010001010110111100101010101010101010111011010101011101010101100101010101010101101010101011101011011111001011010101010100010001011111010101010111101011010110110101011010110100111001001111111001011011101111011111011111101111111011111111011111111101111111111010010000101010110101101010101101010101011110101000010101111010001010110101010101010111010111101101011110101010101111111010100000110010111100110001011111010110110101011010110101101010101101010110101011010101011010110101101001000110101011101010110101011010100111101010101011110100010101101111001010101010101010101110110101010111010101011001010101010101011010101010111010110111110010110101010101000100010111110101010101111010110101101101010110101101001110010011111110010110111011110111110111111011111110111111110111111111011111111110100100001010101101011010101011010101010111101010000101011110100010101101010101010101110101111011010111101010101011111110101000001100101111001100000111110101101101010110101101011010101011010101101010110101010110101101011010010001101010111010101101010110101001111010101010111101000101011011110010101010101010101011101101010101110101010110010101010101010110101010101110101101111100101101010101010001000101111101010101011110101101011011010101101011010011100100111111100101101110111101111101111110111111101111111101111111110111111111101001000010101011010110101010110101010101111010100001010111101000101011010101010101011101011110110101111010101010111111101010000011001011110011000001111101011011010101101011010110101010110101011010101101010101101011010110100100011010101110101011010101101010011110101010101111010001010110111100101010101010101010111011010101011101010101100101010101010101101010101011101011011111001011010101010100010001011111010101010111101011010110110101011010110100111001001111111001011011101111011111011111101111111011111111011111111101111111111010010000101010110101101010101101010101011110101000010101111010001010110101010101010111010111101101011110101010101111111010100000110010111100110001011111010110110101011010110101101010101101010110101011010101011010110101101001000110101011101010110101011010100111101010101011110100010101101111001010101010101010101110110101010111010101011001010101010101011010101010111010110111110010110101010101000100010111110101010101111010110101101101010110101101001110010011111110010110111011110111110111111011111110111111110111111111011111111110100100001010101101011010101011010101010111101010000101011110100010101101010101010101110101111011010111101010101011111110101000001100101111001100020111110101101101010110101101011010101011010101101010110101010110101101011010010001101010111010101101010110101001111010101010111101000101011011110010101010101010101011101101010101110101010110010101010101010110101010101110101101111100101101010101010001000101111101010101011110101101011011010101101011010011100100111111100101101110111101111101111110111111101111111101111111110111111111101001000010101011010110101010110101010101111010100001010111101000101011010101010101011101011110110101111010101010111111101010000011001011110011000101111101011011010101101011010110101010110101011010101101010101101011010110100100011010101110101011010101101010011110101010101111010001010110111100101010101010101010111011010101011101010101100101010101010101101010101011101011011111001011010101010100010001011111010101010111101011010110110101011010110100111001001111111001011011101111011111011111101111111011111111011111111101111111111010010000101010110101101010101101010101011110101000010101111010001010110101010101010111010111101101011110101010101111111010100000110010111100110001011111010110110101011010110101101010101101010110101011010101011010110101101001000110101011101010110101011010100111101010101011110100010101101111001010101010101010101110110101010111010101011001010101010101011010101010111010110111110010110101010101000100010111110101010101111010110101101101010110101101011010010

Four heads are better than one

We got there in the end.

Ganglionic

Come on, come on, Come on, come on, Come on, come on, Come on
Come on, come on, Come on, come on, Come on, come on, Come on
D'you wanna be in my gang , my gang, my gang, D'you wanna be in my gang, Oh Yeah!
D'you wanna be in my gang , my gang, my gang, D'you wanna be in my gang, Oh Yeah!
I'm the leader, I'm the leader, I'm the leader of the gang I am I'm the leader, I'm the leader, Well there's no one like the man
I'm I can take you high as a kite every single night
I can make you jump out of bed standing on my head
Who'd ever believe it
Come on come on
Come on come on
Come on come on
D'you wanna be in my gang, a my gang, my gang,
D'you wanna be in my gang, a my gang, my gang,
D'you wanna be in my gang, a my gang, my gang, oh Yeah!
Do you wanna be in my gang?
Come On! Come on, come on, Come on, come on, Come on, come on,
Come On! Come on, come on, Come on, come on, Come on, come on,
D'you wanna be in my gang , my gang, my gang, D'you wanna be in my gang, Oh Yeah!
D'you wanna be in my gang , my gang, my gang, D'you wanna be in my gang, Oh Yeah!
I'm the leader, I'm the leader, I'm the leader of the gang I am I'm the leader, I'm the leader, I'm the man who put the bang in gang I can take you over the hill, ooooh what a thrill I can make you sell me your soul for my rock and roll
Who'd ever believe it
Come on come on
Come on come on
Come on come on
D'you wanna be in my gang, a my gang, my gang,
D'you wanna be in my gang, a my gang, my gang,
D'you wanna be in my gang, a my gang, my gang, oh Yeah!
Do you wanna be in my gang? Come On!

Written by Gary Glitter and Mike Leander. Thankfully interrupted by the interval.

Foreheads are better than one

Whoops.

Bloodworth Recruiting Wants You

Are You In Gainful Employ?
Yes?

Good. Then We'd Like To Offer You A Job. We Only Offer Positions To Those That Don't Need Them. Thus Keeping Unemployment At A Static Level And Ensuring Constant Supply And Demand.

We Have Openings In The Following Positions:

Executive Business Executive
Associate Business Executive
Managing Deputy Business Executive
Assistant Managing Deputy Business Executive
Assistant Managing Deputy Business Executive's Assistant

Three heads are better than one

The polycephalic charade continues.

I blame Cerberous.

The Joy of Specs

It is recommended that you visit your local Opticalophthalmoscopicopticianaloptometrist to have your sight tested every sixth month.

But if you can read this, you're probably OK

Two heads are better than one

Just ask Zaphod Beeblebrox or Janus the Roman God of Doors.

Or Phillips.

I've got secrets

And here they are:

I sometimes deliberately give people the wrong directions.

I have never been to Sheffield.

I lied to my orthadontist so as to not have to go, despite my teeth not being fixed.

I am losing my hair.

I don't have a PhD in space medicine, but then neither do you.

I say I'm a dog person, but only because I dislike dogs less than cats.

I am Banksy.

Some of this is not true.

I was not the gunman on the grassy knoll.

I like London's bendy buses.

I think Blade Runner is overrated.

I am bored of being bored.

I thought by now we'd be living on the moon.

I still have a crush on Sophie Aldred.

I apologise sometimes just to make conversation.

I once thought that history was actually black and white.

I don't dislike Shakespeare, but I can take it or leave it.

I think Timothy Dalton was the best Bond.

I don't like summer.

I can't drive.

I once ate a complimentary sweet in a restaurant, then wrapped up a bit of onion my friend had spat out in the silver paper and then put the spit-encrusted onion sweet imposter back in the bowl of genuine sweets.

Making the love

Let's talk about sex.

No one ever complains of having too much of it, so presumably we'd all rather enjoy having a bit more. If that is the case then find someone you would consider uglybumping with, raise your right hand and repeat after me:

"If it's not too much trouble please sir/madam/orphaned orifice or appendage*, I think it would be mutually beneficial if we sexed it up a jot with one another (or more). If you would be amenable to making the beast with more than one back please indicate your agreement with a friendly and affable wave so as to avoid all that nasty business afterwards."

Then unveil the nudity and get down to bidness.

How can it possibly fail?

* Delete as appropriate, if inappropriate keep it to yourself you filthy retch

A race against TIME

After another dry spell, Mr Carruthers has once again been caught poking his moustache above the parapet. Sadly we only have access to the cover so we do not know the conclusions drawn by The International Magazine of Events.

Embarrassingly our quarry was hiding in plain sight on coffee tables in receptions and dentist's waiting rooms and yet he evaded us spectacularly.

Don't we feel silly? Are we even trying? How did you (and by association you too) miss this?

It's time to step up your Carruthering...

Here's one I spayed earlier

1. Cut this out. Be careful now. Ask an adult to help you.

2. Fold along most of the black lines.

3. Fold down the white tabs and smear them with delicious glue.

4. Wait until glue is dry and then use to terrify librarians and astronauts alike.

5. Altering the angle of the genitalia is optional and says more about you than it does about me.

A Viewer's Meeting, Part Tony

Two hit wonder, fifth dwarfer and refrigerator-bearing circumnavigator Tony Hawks took time out from not being an American champion skateboarder to comment on one of our YouTube videos.

When shown The Laughter Sketch and asked to be brutal his response was:

"No need to be brutal - because it's excellent. Fully expect to see you guys on the TV soon (not that I watch much). What's happening in your world? Keep it up. You're GOOD!"

Thanks Tony.

No Mime like the present

Ladies and gentlemen and variations thereupon, put your hands together as silently as possible for The Second International Anglo American Bi-Annual Mime Contest ladies & gentlemen and for potentially the first time the event is being broadcast on the radio.

"Radio mime? But that's preposterous" I hear you whisper politely. Well fear not, we have a pair of commentators to interpret for you at home. Commenterpretors, possibly.

Professional mimes they never were and yet Rupert Facemelter & Samuel P. Hasselblad make up a transatlantic duo that clearly feel qualified to illustrate the shortcomings of others through sound in a medium which has none.

As they say in mime...

A Viewer's Meeting, Part Two

Some more reactions to the YouTube 'A Writer's Meeting' videos:

"Very silly.....very foolish.......very funny......nice production values and a very nice kitchen!"

"He, he loved it!"

"Managed to watch it, thats very good, bongo tastic on teh abstract front but i liked it, mitch's laugh is just too enthusiastic, how many takes did that take?"

"have you been taking ACID?!"

"That's BRILLIANT!!! I love it!!I just laughed really hard at my computer screen in the kitchen with my headphones in. I think my landlord thinks I've lost it."

"i did enjoy the clip! i especially liked your little ho ha ha's"

"Golly, that's very silly!"

"Mr Carruthers would be proud..."

Thank God it's Fryday

Witty, urbane polymath and all round national treasure Stephen Fry has somehow been drawn into the web of Carruthers. At some point in his illustrious career he took a break from almost singlehandedly justifying the licence fee to play the part of the Senior Officer in this sketch:

Senior Officer: "Did Carruthers leave a suicide note?"

Smith: "Not exactly, sir."

Senior Officer: "Come on, Smith, did he leave a note or not?"

Smith: "Well, yes sir. It said, 'I have been ordered to write this suicide note and then somebody will kill me.'"

Senior Officer: "Poor Carruthers. He must have been deranged."

Smith: "May I suggest, sir, he might have been telling the truth and infact he was murdered."

Senior Officer: "Smith, you are getting ideas above your station. The wretched man had a pistol in his hand!"

Smith: "Actually sir, I think we will find, after the autopsy, that Carruthers was poisoned."

Senior Officer: "This is getting very messy, Smith. Very messy for the Regiment. There's no need for any of this. I have already given orders that Carruthers be incinerated."

Smith: "You mean cremated, sir?"

Senior Officer: "Listen to me young man. No one ever contradicts me, however bloody clever they think they are. One more remark like that and you'll be suicided, too."

A Viewer's Meeting, Part One

Some reactions to the YouTube 'A Writer's Meeting' videos:

"Superilliantastic, more please"

"Amusing, I laughed my knees off, so there"

"Brilliants More More More......"

"The funniest one yet. Go on......."

"It is actually funny! I may have to stock up on tena..."

"Nice kitchen. All the better for feeding each other lines. Can't believe I spent nearly 40 seconds looking for a 4th episode. Then it clicked.I enjoyed it and lotsly."

"i saw one. i thought it was good. the laughing one.got a bit much towards the end i though. lost me. but i really liked the most part of it"

Sat's all folks

Satellite Navigation allows the driver to get lost with authority. From the comfort of your own dashboard you can plan your journey, there and back again. In addition the Sat Nav system can alert you to the presence of the nearest short cut, car wash or Little Chef.

There is however an equal chance it will take you to visit sewage works, abattoirs and dens of iniquity, but then maybe that's what you're into.

Where does it end? The more you rely on it, the more you find yourself following it blindly. Speeding by primary schools and through built up areas, reversing down the motorway or running along a railway track.

And then you're hearing that voice everywhere and everywhen, even outside of the car and you are automatically doing what you're told and before too long you are stood in the middle of a quarry with your trousers around your ankles with battery leads clamped to your nipples and a mouthful of half eaten biros. And somewhere in the mess you've become, you're convinced it was your idea...

Don't judge a cook by its cover

The most terrifying thing on two legs and watch how you open him.

Ainsley Harriott was almost slain in the cous cous and mushroom attacks of 2004 and since then Cooker (sometimes Cookr) has been living it up and his name is regularly linked with a number of Hollywood starlets but all this hobnobbing has left him empty, shallow and cold.

The enigmatic Mr Carruthers is an important part of his life but no one really knows exactly what. They are never seen in the same place at the same time, except of course when they are.

Journalists have attempted to grill Cooker about their relationship, but to no avail. Maybe they golf? Maybe they knit?

Post Haste

In addition to his: MySpace, Facebook, YouTube & Blog, Mr Carruthers also has an email address:

mister.carruthers@hotmail.co.uk

Now you can send him permissive missives, chain letters and intimate messages, which will either be posted on here or scrawled on the wall of the Gent's toilet at The Threefold Man in Taunton soon after.

Thwarted for E's & Wizz

Have you ever done the drugs?

Be honest.

Whether you smoked, swallowed, spiked or sticklebacked them, the narcotical drugs are just as bad for you. Next time you roll a joint or fasten your neighbour's belt around your arm: stop. Then stay stopped as a foolproofed system can be welcomed into your drug-addled life, transforming it into a drugless wonderland stretching out ahead of you.

The system involves a prescribed hallucination which is itself as addictive and destructive as drugs. So how could it possibly fail? That was rhetorical. Answer it on your own time.

After some meagre and competitive remuneration a voice enters your brain through your soundholes and its mellifluous mellifluity guides you through the various stages of druggering. Including:

drugtaking
drugtoking
drugtolkien

Before taking you to the inevitable conclusion and selling of one's own kidneys.

With every high there is a low.

If in doubt, methadon't

Estate of Decay

The credit is crunching and the economic situation seems dire. Now is a time you want to believe that the people holding off your homelessness are trained professionals, but in your heart of hearts of hearts you know that they are actually idiots held together by hair gel and an unwavering faith in their own abilities not borne in courage but in stupidity.

Whether they are slickers or slackers, you be careful now. Remain vigilant.

Do they look like they tied that tie themselves?
Is the number of biro marks on their face greater than the number of digits they've lost in an industrial accident?
Can you smell toasted egg?

Have your glasses at the ready

Ladies and gentlemen, your glasses please.

Refer to this post for clarification of your prescription description and report back to me.

I'll be the one wearing socks like a pro.

A Writer's Meeting, Part Five: The Laughter Sketch (again)

I've fixed it now. The reason for the disappearing videos has been discovered and translated into Flemish and eventually rectified.

In short, this post is unnecessary, but since the other four received a second viewing and so, for consistency more than anything else, this one has too. We're consistent.

"Ha"

Newd

Don't get any big ideas
They're not gonna happen
You paint your smile
And fill the holes
There'll be something missing
Just when you found it
It's gone
Just when you feel it
You don't
It's gone forever

She stands stark naked
And she beckons you to bed
Don't go, you'll only want
To come back again

So don't get any big ideas
They're not gonna happen
You'll go to Hell
For what your
Dirty mind is thinking

And now that you found it
It's gone
Now that you feel it
You don't
It's gone forever


Music & Lyrics by Colin Greenwood, Jonny Greenwood, Ed O'Brien, Phil Selway & Thom Yorke; interrupted by Michael Everhard

A Writer's Meeting, Part Four: Knock Knock 2008 (again)

The knock-knock joke is a time-honoured "call and response" exercise.

It is a form of roleplay, with a punster and a recipient of wit. The standard format has five lines:

Punster: Knock Knock! (indicating a door has been struck to gain attention)
Recipient: Who's there? (an inquiry)
Punster: a response, sometimes involving a name (to set up the pun)
Recipient: a repetition of the response followed by who? (a request for clarification)
Punster: the punch line, which typically involves a punnish misusage of the word set up during the response.

However, there now a new trend in Knock Knocking. Following the Knock Knock drought of the early nineties and the shortlived TwiceKnock revamp of 1997, we bring you, the Ding Dong joke:

Punster: Ding, Dong! (indicating a doorbell has been pushed to gain attention)
Recipient: Who's there? (an inquiry)
Punster: a response, sometimes involving a name (to set up the pun)
Recipient: a repetition of the response followed by who? (a request for clarification)
Punster: the punch line, which typically involves a punnish misusage of the word set up during the response.

I think we are all agreed that 2008 is going to be a very good year for Knockers.